**disclaimer** a very long sappy emotional outpouring of my soul
Some of you may know that for my 34th birthday, I got a tattoo (this was 1.5 years ago). Simply the word "Believe" above my ankle. I had never had the urge to get "inked" prior to that, so this caught most everyone I know off guard. I know that "tattoos" can be seen as "trashy" or "inappropriate" by some. (And if you are in that category, I think you're wrong BUT that is for a different post-haha) But to me, it was a devotion of love for God, the blessings He has given me, the positive mental outlook He bestowed on me, and the general belief in all things good. There are days that I stray from my faith, moments in time where I forget that I am His--doing His work, not mine, my love for Him fading. But this permanent blue ink is always there-never faint. Constant...like my faith should be.
The adoption process has been the most challenging time of my life. We learned today, 5 weeks into our "2 week wait" for our travel dates, that we need to resend one more document that seems to have gotten misplaced. They should have it on Monday, then we should have our travel dates 2-3 weeks after that. I stared at the email in disbelief. The reality of this "minor paperwork hiccup" hit me like a lead weight. I would not get to hold my girl this year after all. No Christmas with Maire. I felt my heart break--it literally hurt.
Seven months ago, I saw my sweet girl. I never dreamed she would not be in my arms by Christmas. It was inconceivable to imagine. Never entered my mind. But here we are, 22 days away from her 3rd birthday and 24 from Christmas. Her Christmas dress hanging in her closet, new with tags. Her gifts, along with her brothers' gifts, tucked safely in a box in the bottom of the closet. Tomorrow, I will pull them out, wrap them, and ship them to her---thousands of miles away. I won't have her picture in our holiday family portrait this year. I won't see her face smiling at twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. I won't see her tear into a wrapped box, eyes wide as she prepares for what might be inside. No, not this year.
Believe... staring at me right now below the cuff of my stupid snowman pajamas! Believe--what does it mean right now to me? What is God telling me? Shall I believe in Christmas miracles? Or perhaps believe in "His timing"? Maybe "believe" is reminding me that God does not punish, even though there are days that feel like it? Shall I believe in the power of prayer? Or believe in His word? Tonight, Believe will simply mean this: I Believe that God is in control...because He is.