Wednesday, December 1, 2010


**disclaimer** a very long sappy emotional outpouring of my soul

Some of you may know that for my 34th birthday, I got a tattoo (this was 1.5 years ago). Simply the word "Believe" above my ankle. I had never had the urge to get "inked" prior to that, so this caught most everyone I know off guard. I know that "tattoos" can be seen as "trashy" or "inappropriate" by some. (And if you are in that category, I think you're wrong BUT that is for a different post-haha) But to me, it was a devotion of love for God, the blessings He has given me, the positive mental outlook He bestowed on me, and the general belief in all things good. There are days that I stray from my faith, moments in time where I forget that I am His--doing His work, not mine, my love for Him fading. But this permanent blue ink is always there-never faint. my faith should be.

The adoption process has been the most challenging time of my life. We learned today, 5 weeks into our "2 week wait" for our travel dates, that we need to resend one more document that seems to have gotten misplaced. They should have it on Monday, then we should have our travel dates 2-3 weeks after that. I stared at the email in disbelief. The reality of this "minor paperwork hiccup" hit me like a lead weight. I would not get to hold my girl this year after all. No Christmas with Maire. I felt my heart break--it literally hurt.

Seven months ago, I saw my sweet girl. I never dreamed she would not be in my arms by Christmas. It was inconceivable to imagine. Never entered my mind. But here we are, 22 days away from her 3rd birthday and 24 from Christmas. Her Christmas dress hanging in her closet, new with tags. Her gifts, along with her brothers' gifts, tucked safely in a box in the bottom of the closet. Tomorrow, I will pull them out, wrap them, and ship them to her---thousands of miles away. I won't have her picture in our holiday family portrait this year. I won't see her face smiling at twinkling lights of the Christmas tree. I won't see her tear into a wrapped box, eyes wide as she prepares for what might be inside. No, not this year.

Believe... staring at me right now below the cuff of my stupid snowman pajamas! Believe--what does it mean right now to me? What is God telling me? Shall I believe in Christmas miracles? Or perhaps believe in "His timing"? Maybe "believe" is reminding me that God does not punish, even though there are days that feel like it? Shall I believe in the power of prayer? Or believe in His word? Tonight, Believe will simply mean this: I Believe that God is in control...because He is.


Faith, Hope, and Love said...

Oh brought me to tears...

I'm sorry...I'm so so sorry.

I went thru the same thing back in December 2008. It took 15 LONG months to get Mia Hope home. Others who found their children after us...were already home. I just did not understand..and it hurt. But... everything really is in HIS timing...and after Mia Hope came made more sense why we waited so long.

Still, that does not remove the pain of today.

The good news is...this is the LAST Christmas without your baby girl...and she will be with you for EVERY Christmas to come!

Love and blessings,

Paige said...

Oh Angie, It is so hard to type this through the tears streaming down my face. My heart is aching and breaking as I read your post and I can only imagine how your heart feels. I am so so so sorry that your little girl won't be in your arms for a little while longer. But oh how you are right about believing. If we don't have our faith then what does that leave us. God doesn't ask us to understand or to figure it out but just to leave it to him. Somehow at a moment like this it must be hard. I can promise you one thing. Once she is in your arms the memories of the "before Maire" simply fade into the dust. We will pray that time is soon.
Hugs from Liam's Loudi friend.

Melissa said...


I've been clicking through here almost daily hoping to celebrate the good news of TA with you. This was NOT the news I was hoping for for you. I'm so sorry, my friend. So very sorry. But your perspective is so spot on. Believe and you shall receive. And when you do receive... oh what a glorious day! Can't wait to celebrate your next big step,

Mike and Barb said...

I'm so sorry!!
But was that you that commented on my blog that something was in the air??
Oh, I hope!